Last week, I had to make a hard call to a Christian guy I didn’t know all that well. This man is active in his church (not my church), has a great family and has a good reputation in the Christian community. But, a non-Christian man who I was meeting with, casually mentioned that he saw this guy at a social gathering having too much to drink and acting inappropriately with a woman, not his wife. “I thought you Christians didn’t do things like that,” was his stinging observation.
So, I called the man, introduced myself and passed on to him what I‘d been told. Fortunately, he took it very well and owned up to what had happened. He was clearly embarrassed by my call, but knew he was wrong.
But, he asked these questions, “How did you have the guts to call me? I could have just told you it was none of your business and I’m not accountable to you. What’s the difference between just being a Christian busy body and being your brother’s keeper?” Great questions!
When I was a kid, my grandparents had a cottage. Every Sunday afternoon in the summer, my aunts, uncles and cousins would come out for the day. In the evening I loved sitting around the edges of the conversation near my father, grandfather and uncles and listening to them tell stories.
I remember few details of those stories, but I do remember this; two of my uncles always talked as though they were so clever and wise, but everyone else, their bosses, the government and even “friends” were buffoons. They were complainers and I remember thinking that I really didn’t want to be like these men when I grew up. The stories they told – told me a story about them.
On the other hand, my father and my grandfather were far less critical and I actually remember many of their stories – stories of mistakes they made, of men they admired and why. Their stories both inspired me and taught me about business and human nature. Their stories also made me aware of traps men can so easily fall into. I longed to be like my father and my grandfather. I also wanted to be virtuous enough to make them proud of me someday.
Sadly, I don’t remember too many stories about spiritual things even though everyone went to the same church. No one talked about Jesus, as though he was someone they knew personally. The religious talk, if any, was about what was happening at “our church.” So, I rarely heard stories that drew me to Jesus.
Three of our daughters got married within seven months of each other. I was hemorrhaging money! My best advice to fathers of the bride is this: pray, pay and stay out of the way.
But, long before the wedding, I was convicted to invest some time in my future son-in-laws. They were, and still are amazing men and I couldn’t have a better relationship with them. But about marriage – they didn’t know, what they didn’t know. And I thought it was my job to tell them.
So, shortly after they were engaged, I made them each this offer; “I’d like to get to know you better and give you an opportunity to know me better as well. So, let’s go away for four or five days, to any place in the U.S. you’d like, and do something fun together. But there’s another reason for this trip. With your future mother-in-law’s permission, I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned about marriage – how to handle your first temptation, what you should and shouldn’t do when you have your first serious fight and other real life issues they rarely talk about in pre-marriage counseling.”
The look on their faces told it all. The first part of my offer, about the fun, brought all smiles. The last part, not so much. They probably felt like I’d handed them keys to a Porsche, then told them to drive it over a cliff!
But, we went. Three separate trips. One chose spring skiing in California. Another chose rock climbing in Colorado and the last flat-boat fishing in the Florida Keys. And we had a ball!
In preparation, my wife, Susan and I, prayed a lot for wisdom. We also made a list of topics I hoped to discuss with them. (I never got through the whole list, but nevertheless, it helped guide our time together) I’ve lost track of the list, but here’s what I remember.
1. The importance of reading the Bible and praying and having at least one meal every day together.
2. Never go to bed angry. (I had to confess violating my own rule more than once, but even that discussion was helpful).
3. How to avoid sexual temptation and what to do if you are.
4. Avoiding “words that wound” in a fight.
5. Always let your future children see you making up after a fight.
6. Begin every day by yourself, reading the Bible and praying. (We discussed how to study the Bible and even how and what to pray for and every day, we began by doing both.)
7. Learn your wife’s Love Languages. My wife and I gave each couple a copy of Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages.
8. We discussed what biblical leadership looked like in a marriage. (And what it doesn’t look like.)
9. We discussed the unintended consequences of materialism and alcohol.
10. We talked about stewardship and how to invest, spend and give wisely.
11. When your wife suggests you both see a counselor, say yes. (Just make sure the counselor is serious about Jesus and the Bible.)
There was undoubtedly more, but you get the point. It was a vacation with a purpose. And I loved doing it and our relationships became just that much deeper. I’m not sure how much went in one ear and out the other, but that’s unimportant. What matters I that I tried to pass on the things I believed to be both true and important. I also tried to be honest about our own failures to do each of these things consistently. But even that was good to talk about.
I wanted them to know that when the wheels come off the wagon, which they will occasionally, they could call me. I’d be a safe person for them to talk through anything. (And all of them have.)
So, do you have a future son-in-law, or if you’re a woman, a future daughter-in-law who would benefit from a vacation with a purpose?
“Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.” Proverbs 4:1
How following Jesus works in real life.
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Is the idea of servant/leader just another Christian cliché that we’d like to be true but rarely is?
This week, I received the following email from a sharp, young aggressive 20 something guy, I’ve been meeting with, who’s still “kicking tires” spiritually.
“I have always wanted to lead. In fact, I’ve done a good job of it. I get moved by leading and having responsibility. It seem contradictory that a strong leader is also a servant.”
Is my young friend right? Is the notion of being a servant/leader contradictory? It almost seems so when we read passages like these;
“Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,” Matthew 20:26
“When the ten heard about this, they became indignant with James and John. Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,” Mark 10:41-43
But the Bible also calls some to leadership in the church and in the home. And Moses, David and others were called to lead nations. I believe God would never command us to do the impossible, therefore servant/leadership must be doable.